While I also feel it is weird, I strongly believe marrying kids (<18) should be illegally nationally with no exceptions. I have personally witnessed lives destroyed.
No. Not just “no”, hard no. Part of our society’s problems stem from how people spend half (if not all) of their 20s partying. This is particularly an issue for us traditional men who want to marry earlier in adulthood but can’t find any high value women who aren’t feminists who have, let’s just say, “been around”. Furthermore, when you marry and have kids at an earlier place in your adult life, you get to spend more of your life with your children, see their successes, you get to witness your legacy unfold in real time.
That is what we need more of and I will not be convinced otherwise.
Ew
Throwing my anecdotal 2 cents in -
Married at 23 (wife just turned 21) straight out of college. We were both very immature, and we divorced two years later after she fooled around with her 55 year old boss. Left me devastated at 25 going on 26 thinking I was used goods. After a lot of maturing, a few more relationships, I remarried at 33.
It takes a lot of self reflection - because even though I could chalk up the previous marriage to “lol she a hoe” - I had piss poor financial skills, was very immature and lacked a lot of self confidence which manifested itself in toxic behavior all around. There are times I just cringe at who I was at that age. Not that I’m a perfect person now, I’m just more aware of what I needed to improve in myself to be a decent person and partner.
Part of it is the age old wisdom of learning to love yourself and figuring out what you like, versus just trying to mold yourself into the person you think your partner wants. And not to say that “oh I’m an asshole, They have to deal with it” but truly understanding what makes you tick and finding someone who loves and accepts that part of you.
Married at 23 (wife just turned 21) straight out of college. We were both very immature
Also totally anecdotal: Exactly the same for us, up to this point. Now I’m looking at 36 on the horizon this year, and she 34, and we’re still both quite happily married.
My only point being: it just depends on the people. It works for some, and for others it doesn’t. I wish I could tell a person which kind they’d be, but I can’t.
I will absolutely say, however, it’s gonna hurt a whole hell of a lot less to simply wait a bit longer and be sure of what you want, and that you’re both in agreement on the major things. It doesn’t mean you have to wait in order for the relationship to succeed, but it sure would improve the likelihood that it will.
I’m 40ish and I’ve wanted the same thing since I was 20. Haven’t found a good match but nothing has really changed regarding my long term goals and the things I want from life.
Met my now wife in high school. We’ve been together since high school.
We’ve been married for 5 years now.
I’m 40 next.
So kinda agree with the post, but not the sentiment that if you met your partner early you’re weird. I was lucky I met the love of my life so young. Just because you didn’t doesn’t mean I’m weird, just not as lucky as me.
My wife and I both met at the tail end of college in our early 20s, we knew pretty quickly what we had but we didn’t rush things other than moving in with each other after the first year. We didn’t get married for another 10 years.
I almost feel like weddings early on can put huge stress on a marriage. Even if you have somebody paying for it all it creates a lot of crap to deal with and you can get forced to meet and deal with a huge amount of new family members all at once instead of slowly integrating into those things over time. We had to pay for our wedding ourselves so had zero rush and invited only who we really wanted to be there, and while it was a blast it was still stressful. But holy shit that limo ride back to the hotel room when it was all over is a top 5 moment in both our lives.
I see a pretty stark difference between people who married young and had kids right away, vs people who married young and enjoyed their time for a while before having kids. The ones who had kids seem weird to me, never got a chance to goof off in their 20s and figure out who they are. The ones who waited feel more normal. But that’s just my experience.
How old are you? No need to be specific this isn’t a creepy question lol just roughly what age are you? Because I don’t think we can make any sort of broad assessment until the people who had kids when they were young have kids out of the house. I know plenty
of people who are enjoying their 40’s with kids happily going off to college around that time. If you have kids in your early to mid 30’s - assuming you stopped at 35, which isn’t a given - you’re starting to have them out in your mid 50’s. Those are very different times for you, physically, mentally, professionally, etc. even if it doesn’t seem like it.I imagine for many in this thread it is too early to be making a final assessment. I think also a lot of people here forget that nobody is thrusting these decisions upon them (except maybe overeager parents who want to be grandparents, in which case they need to back off). Different people have different objectives/goals in life. They aren’t worse off for not doing it your way.
The strongest marriage I know is my buddy from high school who married his high school sweetheart, right when they graduated college at 21. They just had their 3rd kid at 35 and they’re ecstatic. First was at 22 or so.
The point is a post like this shows a certain amount of hubris/lack of imagination/lack of exposure to people with different lifestyles and priorities.
This is the main point here, IMO. A child is a huge responsibility and the early 20s is a period of life you’re still figuring things out. Culture also plays a role here; where I’m from, people are deciding to live together (without having kids) for a couple of years before formally marrying.
Having a kid in your 20s is not for you, but you can’t just assume that that is the case for everyone else.
I mean, let’s take this post: what is so magical about 24? Why not 25? Why not 23? I imagine the number was pretty arbitrary. It just sounded right to OP.
The ones who had kids seem weird to me, never got a chance to goof off in their 20s and figure out who they are.
I definitely needed to goof off in my 20s and figure out who I was. But not everybody is like that, and the meme in question suggests it’s “weird” to know who you are and not need to goof off.
Putting arbitrary numbers on people to measure their matureness is weird to me.
There are 15 year old people who are wiser and more mature than a lot with 50.
You can’t know without knowing the person.
The numbers are not arbitrary. They are used to measure how long a person has been alive, which is kind of statistically significant, and yes, largely correlates with maturity. I’m not 26 mature points, I’m 26 years old.
and yes, largely correlates with maturity
That’s where we disagree. You say that as if it were a proven fact. If you got studies on that, please report.
My point is, that at least from my experience there is a lot more to maturity than mere age. And you can’t really know if you just superficially look at someone and their age.
Well it’s not arbitrary is it. Any quantitative measure of maturity is definitely correlated with age.
Your “very mature” 15 year old is either an outlier, or an indictment on your ability to ascertain maturity.
Any quantitative measure of maturity is definitely correlated with age.
Is it? Do you have numbers on that?
Lol for me all people who marry are weird why draw the line at a certain age
Do whatever you want. Maybe your marriage will last, maybe it won’t. Live your life. Take chances.
Hahahahahaha
Cries in paralysing anxiety
I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I have lived with a persistent background anxiety for my whole life, and only in the last year have I started treating it (in my 40’s). It hasn’t solved all my problems, but it does mean I’m not constantly jittery. If you’re already treating your anxiety, then I can only wish you luck and success.
At 53 with a partner and two kids, I am currently in deep, deep depression wishing that I’d married the girl I split up with at 24.
no shame in therapy if you haven’t been
I’ve been for other issues but it’s more or less all the same: “pull yourself together, stop XYZ”
Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Thought about turning it off, plenty of times. Off. Right off. Like unplugging it completely.
Well, for whatever it’s worth, this internet stranger is happy you’re still here. As long as you’re here, it can get better.
Thanks Baph!
I think I may have just gone down the same path and im scared I may have the same realization one day.
Why did you guys split up back then?
Me being an impulsive dork and dumping her for a far less intelligent girl with bigger breasts who didn’t even really happen even. That was it. Game over. She wouldn’t take me back.
TBH I should’ve ended myself then but was too stupid to even realise that was the better option than living another 20 years without her. Still… I wouldn’t have wanted to hurt my parents. Been distracting myself ever since with lots of other stuff. Can’t do it now because of my kids, and mother still alive. Dad fucked in head with dementia. Oh well. Keep trudging on and now have Lemmy to make stupid comments on. Yay.
Hang in there. Consider talking to a therapist.
One foot in front of the other. Look for the positives. Know that the perfection I imagine is nostalgic nonsense and it wouldn’t have worked out anyway.
That’s a wise take. Dwelling on what ifs will never get you anywhere
I reckon even Buddha had a chick he wishes he didn’t bail on. Edit: btw it’s 2:50 for me and have to get up in 3 hours. I’m going to try to sleep.
Cheers.
Do you miss the 24 year old girl or do you miss being 24?
oof
I don’t trust anybody that isn’t a wizard.
I got married at 22, (wife 21) and on the 17th of Feb we will celebrate our 32 year anniversary. Seems to have worked out ok for me.
Fist-Bump Met my wife in 8th Grade. Got married at 21. Just celebrated our 28th anniversary. I think if the trust, loyalty and love is there, you’ll know. Neither of us had a doubt about each other, and we’re best friends.
Note: We did take a year or so off around 18-19, too get ‘it’ out of our systems.
Kinda had an affair with a woman who married at 24 and regretted not ‘playing the field’. She ended up getting pregnant with her husband shortly after and I really hope they make it last, but I have a horrible feeling it was a doomed attempt to fix their relationship with a child.
Concept of marriage is weird and feels like some weird breeder shit imo
It is a religious ceremony and should hold no legal bounds. Most benefits of marriage should be considered something else. Marriage is fuckin weird
I think anyone that refers to an adult as a child is weird.
I’m more referring to myself.
I was in my 20’s once and thought I was a fully fledged adult. In some ways I was, in others I was not, I was still just a kid.
Probably say the same about myself in another 20 years.
